end of march

havent you by now
seen enough of me?

havent i by now
waited enough for you?


que sera, sera

it was a sunrise date, where i decided to put all other things aside and came up with a decision. let alone it flows into where it flows. let alone it goes into where ever it goes.

it was that day, i happened to read it. it was a mixed of feelings. some of it made me amazed, at how we have those similarities. some made me wonder, if the differences between us is complementary, or actually a point for a later disaster.

some of it made me laughing at that very unexpected answers. i might be thinking that you are a freak, but later on realise if that so, i'm just as a freak as you. some of it made me wonder, if i could ever cope with another betrayal.

of anything, it was a soothing day. what ever bound to happen, will happen. i hope this is not the last time i could enjoy drowning in my thought at a beach.



*random unkown model >.<

tempat ini masih lagi setia menjadi tempat aku melepaskan lelah. lelah dengan memori yang aku cuba berlepas diri. kenapa kerap kau muncul dalam mimpiku, setelah serasaku kau telah kulupakan. setelah serasaku aku telah mula mampu melangkah ke depan. setelah serasaku tidaklah takdir menyebelahi ku, lantas aku menyepi diri perlahan menyingkirkanmu dari hidupku.

lalu setelah sekian itu, kau datang menziarahiku dalam mimpiku sehari-hari. menoreh parut luka pada hatiku yang hampir sembuh. menayangkan senyuman bahagiamu bersamanya setelah aku kau tinggalkan dengan luka paling dalam. luka sebuah pengkhianatan.

lalu benarlah kenangan tidak menjanjikan apa-apa. kali ini tidak juga ia menjadi sebuah tempat pulang, saat aku lelah dan terbuang.

*untung juga hospital tepi pantai. the only soothing place on my every postcall day. 



dont know what life stores for me ahead but in this past few weeks were the most depressing. i cant really hold my head up. my eyes would get teary every chance they had whenever i was alone. i guess i'm still good at hiding my inner self in front of others. ticking clock, raindrops, sounds of waves hitting the shore were my only friends.

what's in my head actually? what does my heart whisper all this time? why does it hurt so much in here? where are you? what are you?

i wish you'll never can penetrate my dream. sleep is the only way i am able to escape who-what-ever-you-are.

happy belated birthday, intan. i'm sorry you had to face all this in your supposed to be 0nce-a-year-happy-day.


you III

trying hard to find meanings in my lifeless life. almost a week i started my paeds posting in SCN. dealing with those cute litte things of hours of life, or day 1 or 2 of life. mostly came with NNJ or resolved TTN or asymptomatic hypoglycemia. but honestly, everyday is a busy day. only find enough time to sneak out for prayers. dont even dream for a snack, or a drink.

but those cute little things. how wonderful to be you. even if you fart, even if you poop meconium stool, or even if you cry endlessly, everyone just adore you. how wonderful to be you, free of sins.

not sure what am i babbling about. trying hard to study for my NRP exam but feels like writing. so here i am, talking rubbish. maybe i just miss your writings. i just miss reading those single words that always strike hard, straight to my heart. and somehow give me strength.

or maybe, i just miss you.


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